In 2008 I ended an 18-year marriage. The day my divorce was final, I had the strangest feeling I have ever had and hope to never experience again. It was one of relief and sadness.
When
I got married, like most of us, I was getting married to that one special
person for life. We were a team. We were best friends. She was so pretty I just
couldn't stand to be away from her. Not just pretty on the outside, but a
beautiful girl on the inside. From 1990 to 2002 we had four children, two boys,
my sweet baby girl and then finally a boy who just steals my heart every time I
see him. My oldest was my ADD kid. Struggled through everything he did.
Struggled in school, sports, just about anything. He has such a good heart you
can't help but love him. Number two is my “can do anything” son. I can’t think of
anytime he ever had a problem with anything – excellent grades, stays out of
trouble, great athlete, etc. Even with the few small problems now and then. I
was living the dream.
I
never thought my marriage was perfect don’t get me wrong here, but I figured it
was about as good as it could get. Along with my beautiful wife and kids, I had
a five-acre home in a small town. I had lots of friends in town. I was teaching
an adult bible class on Sundays, I coached baseball, I had a great, secure job
and she was working part time. The only thing missing, it seemed, was the white
picket fence. This is the life I thought I always wanted. I mean, I looked at
other people going through divorce and problems and though I would be
empathetic, I just couldn’t understand. Then something changed…
I
guess the turning point happened when my wife told me my youngest was on the
way. That was a bit rough on me. I was
thinking like a typical logical guy. Now we had to sell the sedan and get a
mini-van. We had a three-bedroom house with, what would be, three boys and one
girl. Plus dirty diapers again. I couldn’t bear the thought. That’s the way I
was thinking. For two to three weeks I was not happy. The selfish side of me
was thinking that it would be a long time before we would get to go on a
vacation again. We were already living paycheck to paycheck how could we make
it with another child?
Then
the adult in me woke back up and I realized I was going to have another child.
I started thinking about the positives instead of the negatives and became
excited. God would be there like he always had been. I started thinking of
having four grown kids someday with families of their own. To hold that little
man was just simply awesome.
There
is a blank spot missing here in my description. The things that lead to my
divorce I really can’t talk about in a public forum. The last four years of my
marriage were painful. I think I’d like to leave it at that. The one
thing I did do during this time was read. I read several books. I know enough
now that I could probably be a marriage counselor. It didn’t, however, save my marriage.
Right
after my divorce my little boy would come over and stay with me during the
week. It was such a comfort to have him there during those dark days. From the
time we separated to the after the divorce, she would let him come over stay.
That little four, then five-year-old boy helped me more than he will ever know.
When I would have drop him off I noticed something in me I had never really
experienced. I would just cry all the way home. I would start crying at sad
movies or sad stories on the news. I got more than lazy and I just didn’t care.
I was numb. My house went into foreclosure and was getting ready to go up for
sheriff’s sale. I did a lot of praying during that time. I felt I was
caught in the middle of being a strong Christian that had no human to confide
in or trust. I knew most of the answers already. You weren’t going to give me a
biblical answer that I didn’t already know. Knowing is one thing, applying to
your heart is another. Anyone I felt had enough biblical knowledge to help just
couldn’t be available. I’m not the only person that has problems I would tell
myself. Beside the fact I knew I would eventually get through it. Just needed
more prayer and time.
One
year ago I went to my family practice doctor for a routine checkup. I’ve had
hypertension since the military. My doctor is a wonderful Christian woman who
is just as much a good counselor as she is a doctor. She knows my background.
One thing I had finally opened up about with her was the way I was
feeling. I hadn’t told anyone about that. I was going on four years after my
divorce and I was still having the same issues. Don’t want to do anything. I
wasn’t taking my blood pressure meds like I was supposed to. I couldn’t
keep a relationship. I was also crying for no reason what so ever. Sometimes I
didn’t even know why. My self-esteem was the lowest it has ever been. I would
get on dating sites and nobody I was interested in was interested in me. Then I
would think who in the world would want a bald over weight middle aged guy? So
my doctor hits me with this evaluation. She tells me it sounds like I have
depression. No way on earth I was depressed. Nor would I ever be depressed. I am
way too strong a Christian to be depressed. I went ahead and took the
prescription and took it for a total of two days. Nope, didn’t like it at all.
I was going to get rid of this sin on my own and with God’s help.
Five
years of being a divorcee led me to a crossroads. I
started emotionally letting go of things. The day I let go of my house, it was
pulled off of the sheriff’s sale. Another mortgage company bought the loan and
gave me a rate I could handle. I’m upside down in it, but it was easier. I let
go of the kids. I turned them over to God. They are his anyway. Not that I
wasn’t going to be their dad or care about them. I just was going to quit
the worry. The last two years has been really life changing. I took a job as an
instructor with FAA. God put me teaching with a Godly Christian man. I also
started teaching with a younger Christian brother named Scott Wisecarver that
helped me focus more on the Lord. We really helped each other in that
aspect. The way it’s supposed to be. I made up my mind to start living again.
The problem was how to I make that happen?
First
I knew I wanted to start teaching Bible again and resume serving the Lord. I
had a passion for teaching adults and thought this would be something to start
looking into once more. Scott and I put together a ministry website ASRMinistries.com. We also plan to do some internet radio soon.
Even if it doesn’t take off and do much, we know we’re at least doing
something for the Lord. Something I really enjoy too.
I
hadn’t been to the doctor in over a year. I was getting harder and harder the
longer I put it off. It was time to go back and see her. Yup, sure enough, after she chewed me out for not
taking my own health serious enough. We went back to that depression talk. I decided to go ahead and take the meds she
was going to give me. We would then see how it would go. That was a month and
half ago. I have been taking them faithfully for a month and half, every day. I
sleep now much better. I don’t cry like I was. I also find I don’t worry about
things as much. I still have those days. I was a typical man who didn’t clean
house very well. My house is a pit right now. Laundry is clean, but laying
everywhere. No way is anyone stepping foot in this house. Every mower and
weed-eating device is broken. Thank God for great ex-in-laws that live next
door. I’m behind on my mortgage payments, but I know things will be all right.
I’m not worried at all about the dating thing either. When she comes along, it
will hit me like a ton of bricks.
So
back to the original question: Is depression sin? I cannot speak for anyone
else on this subject except me. The answer for me was a resounding YES! I had
not trusted the Lord enough to believe that he would do what he said he would
do. Take care of me no matter what. I was trying to hang on to a house for all
the wrong reasons. I didn’t want bad credit. I didn’t want the embarrassment of
having a house foreclosed on. I didn’t trust that my kids would be okay without
me there every day. There’s no way they would be okay without their daddy
there to guide them day in day out. No, it’s not ideal, but I know God will
lead them when I can’t be there. Did my sin actually cause a chemical problem
in my brain? I believe now that answer is yes also. I know I won’t need this
stuff for the rest of my life. Hopefully not even for a year. It did fix
something that did happen though. I’m not a doctor so I could never explain it.
I just know it worked. I do believe there are some that can’t help that they
have depression or other mental problems. I cannot explain why that is. For me mine
leads back to the sin of not trusting God for my needs.
It’s
been a long time that I have wanted to try and write this. I just could never
get it done. It’s extremely hard to actually write and post this. Do I really
want people to know this about me? My friend and one the pastors at my church,
James Hunt, wrote an excellent article on this subject. Titled “Are you in sin if you are depressed?”
It actually completed a circuit in my head that finally allowed me to sit and
finish this. You should read that article as he covers a lot more on the
subject than I. My intent in writing this article was more of a confession.
Also, it is my hope that maybe someone who is experiencing something similar to
me would find they are not alone. I’m on the right track now. If I were a
prophet, I would have been Jonah. I know where I’m supposed to go sometimes.
Although sometimes the great fish has to spit me out on the beach first.
It
was very hard for me too post this. Everything I thought was before is gone. I
was a man. I didn’t cry. It wasn’t possible for me to be depressed. That was
for other people. So now the mask is off and you see me for what I am. A big
fat loser. I wonder how many friends would now judge me for this. Of course I
know that’s just the pride talking.
But
maybe that’s what God had in mind. I’ve had my pride smashed properly enough
for God to actually use me.
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