An Upside Down Life

Psalm 32
1 Blessed is the one
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
2 Blessed is the one
whose sin the LORD does not count against them
and in whose spirit is no deceit.

3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night
your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.

5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD.”
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin.

Driving home last week after my single parent class at church, I had one of those moments. One of those moments where you look back at things and start thinking. My son and I were fighting over the radio station which is usually what we do. It's more laughing than actually fighting. Besides, dad always wins in this battle anyway. I decided, however, to really drive him crazy and put in some old music. You know, from my younger years. He would refer to it as old people music. I normally don't get to listen to it much anymore. I usually have it on K-Love or Air 1. So much so that my kids ask me if all I ever listen to was Christian music. "Mostly" I tell them, but I know that dad does listen to other music too. So I indulged myself with some music from my high school days after I dropped them off. That's not why I bring this up however. I bring it up, because it made me think about who I am and where I've been. It really bugged me to think of where I am.

Before I go further I just want to say that I am not a perfect man. I know I am a wretch. I write this blog to do a couple of things. One, to help me grow in Christ and second, to write down things that may make me think about what I'm doing with my life. Understand, this is not to preach to anyone. This is for me to preach to me. I know what a scoundrel I am. This is kind of an online journal. If it happens to help someone else, wonderful. I was keeping a hard copy journal from the time I started having marriage problems until my divorce in late 2008. It is too painful for me to read it now. I am going to have burn that journal now as I would never want that in the hands of my children. This is a new one with a better ending.

Listening to the music had an effect on me last night. The effect was to remind me of who I was. The bad and the good. The bad, well I don't think I'll get into that. I have confessed already for those sins. Besides the fact that a lot of times when a person "confesses" old sins, it sometimes comes across as bragging more than confessing. I did realize something else though. I realized that I am definitely not myself. Those that didn't know me in the past wouldn't know how out going I was, how confident I was and how fun I was. I had been "sapped" of a lot of that. Those that did know me would wonder what happened to that guy they knew. When I got married in 1990 I was going to be married forever, have the perfect kids, live in the perfect house and married the perfect woman. Divorce was for other people, not me. I could work out anything. We had the Lord to help us through any problems. Less mature people might not be able to, but I will. I bet we all feel that way when we get married. I guess that's why it was such a shock to me. I know there are a lot of people that suffered through a divorce that know that shock as well. I am still not out of the woods yet. I have been in foreclosure for over 2 years now. When is it going to end? I still struggle with this every now and then. I still think "how could this be? I am way too tough and know too much of the bible to fall into that trap". I can now admit it to myself.

I have no illusions of believing anyone would want to read what I have to say, but this is the way I would want my kids to know of me. I may not have been my happy self the past few years, but the one thing I have and always have had is joy. I have joy in my heart knowing where I am going and Who's I am. I am reminded of the passage from 2 Corinthians 12:8-10. Especially the last couple of lines "Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me. So because of Christ, I am pleased in weaknesses, in insults, in catastrophes, in persecutions, and in pressures. For when I am weak, then I am strong". I am excited about the times ahead no matter what my circumstance might be. Paul spent several years in prison. He was beaten and flogged. I am very happy with my place as opposed to Paul's. I also understand that God is allowing me to be molded more like Him. That takes a pretty hard hammer and anvil on this hard head. Like herding sheep, He moves me the direction I should go. I don't want to go that direction, but I am being pushed. In the end, I will be just exactly where He wants and what He wants me to be. That is a comforting thought. I know I don't always do the right thing, but I want to. My goal is heaven, not for the things of this earth that are temporary (2 Corinthians 4:18).

Heaven will be a place so great it's indescribable. Think of the best thing you can think of. For my dad it was a quite fishing hole that was full of fish. Where a guy would bring a t-bone steak to him whenever he wanted. I always got a laugh out of that. I always hoped it would be like Six Flags or Disney World. If you think of the best thing you can think of, Heaven will be a thousand times better. It won't get old you will never get bored of it. As John Newton wrote "When we've been there ten thousand years, Bright shining as the sun, We've no less days to sing God's praise, Than when we first begun". When I was a child I used to think heaven might be little boring. I didn't want to just be standing around in choir robes singing church music. I later came to realize that if heaven was a place that was better than the greatest thing you can imagine, I didn't care what I would be doing. Even if I was standing around in choir robes singing. But we are more than that to God. We will be rulers and priests with Christ, co-heirs, royalty (2 Peter 2:9). We will not be bored. I feel God didn't make this vast universe for nothing. Heaven is so indescribable that John, in the Revelation, had to use the only things he knew could compare just to give us any description of heaven. He did the best he could, but it left our view of heaven short. Like looking at a beautiful garden through the bottom of a couple of dirty coke bottles. Now imagine what it might have been for John. He had to go back. What a let down! Might be like getting to Wally World and having John Candy tell you "Sorry folks the Parks closed". John did go back. He did his task. He knew what he was working for.

So when I think about heaven I then realize again why I am here. I get excited about eternity. I refocus my life on my task here. First to endure (Hebrews 10:36). I need to do God's will no matter what the circumstances are. I must overcome the tests that are laid in front of me. All the problems I think I have suddenly become challenges. I start to wonder what God is going to do next to get me to the next level of life. Instead of the woe is me approach to life. I also want to take as many to heaven with me as I can. It makes it even more exciting to lead the lost to Christ or help someone.

Sure, I am going through troubles, but I am not down about it. Don't feel sorry for me. I am great! Do pray for me. I need that for sure. Pray that God will straighten my path. That I will get it through my hard head what He is trying to teach me or make me into. Faith to trust God. To know I haven't the first clue as to how or why God operates (Job 40:4)

So what now? Well I know the first thing I need to do is get more involved with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I have isolated myself for so long I am not close to anyone. Other than my kids of course. I can also take one day at a time. In the end, I will make it through and so will you.